I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
