he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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