Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
