I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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