the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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