Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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