he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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