I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
