i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
