Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
