I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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