my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
