Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
