He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
