Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
