Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
