she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
