Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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