I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
