you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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