i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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