I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
