I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
