oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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