I molested 6 butterflies tonight
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He has the fingertips of a God
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