so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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