My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
