I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
