in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
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He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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