He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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