Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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