I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
