Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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