Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
