I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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