First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
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Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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