so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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