You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
