How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
