it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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