his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
