I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
