Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
