I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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