I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
