I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
