just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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