Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Randomize
