I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
