Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
