I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
