I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
