I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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