oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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