We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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