Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
