Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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