D3 body, D1 cock
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
