DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My hand turned me down
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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